Gabba, Gabba, Hey - The Great Rock n' Roll Question

Let's have a good, long look at music and the culture that surrounds it, and to poke fun at the seriousness of it all. From the gawky, stringy-haired and pimple-faced teenager learning Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit" on an electric guitar that he bought with his Burger King money to the men and women who drag themselves week-in week-out onto bar-room stages, enduring countless requests for "Freebird" and "Back in Black" from inebriated audiences that are only there to get laid, and playing for hours for $35 bucks and half-price beers to follow their dreams that somehow, someway that they too can be a rock and roll legend found slumped over a toilet in a five-star hotel before a sold-out show at Madison Square Garden.

Before we embark on this journey, we need to define Rock and Roll clearly as not to leave anything to chance. In order for us to get to essence of Rock and Roll, we have to break it down into three integral parts. Without all three parts, it simply isn't Rock and Roll. The following equation should help:

+BIG
+DUMB
+LOUD
+ROCK AND ROLL

LOUD:

Music must cut though the noise of rush-hour traffic on a summer day on a cheap car stereo. When played live, it must give audiences acute tinnuitis, and if conditions are right, cause gastro-intestinal distress and make children cry. Any and all acoustic "softer side of..." ballads are automatically disqualified. All music must be heavily amplified.

LOUD Examples: The Ramones, Black Sabbath, Van Halen (Before they got rid of Dave), Motorhead, Dick Dale, Blue Cheer, Link Wray

NOT LOUD Examples: Anyone who appeared on MTV's Unplugged

DUMB:

Subject matter has absolutely no socially redeeming value, and does nothing to futher the development of mankind other than to "get off." No political agenda whatsoever. If the lyrics make too much sense or if a DUMB artist attempts to sing about something else, then they run the risk of sounding STUPID (Marilyn Manson is but one example).

DUMB Examples: The Ramones, Van Halen (Pre-Sammy Hagar and that other new guy), KISS, The New York Dolls, Motorhead, Ted Nugent, Motley Crüe (Before Rehab), Aerosmith, The Boredoms, Johnny Cougar, The Replacements

NOT DUMB Examples: The Clash, Metallica, Rush, Pearl Jam, Counting Crows, YES, Neil Young, Bob Dylan, Peter Gabriel, Billy Bragg, Patti Smith, John Mellencamp, Paul Westerberg

BIG:

Larger than life. There has to be a frontman/woman that sets the tone for completely over-the-top, socially unacceptable behavior. Must have the ability to incite riots, make teenage boys and girls want to lose their virginity, and say and do completely outrageous things at the most inopportune times (usually in front of the camera).

BIG Examples: Jerry Lee Lewis, Ozzy Ozbourne, GG Allin, Iggy Pop, Johnny Rotten, Jim Morrison, Elvis Presley (Pre-Army), Pete Townsend, Joey Ramone, David Lee Roth, Janis Joplin, Lemmy Killmeister, Mick Jagger, Courtney Love (pre-"i'm an actress too")

NOT BIG Examples: Michael Stipe, Sarah McLaughlin, Frankie Valli, Elton John (post-closet), Jacob Dylan, Buddy Holly

+BIG +DUMB +LOUD +ROCK AND ROLL

LOUD:

DUMB:

BIG:

+BIG
+DUMB
+LOUD
+ROCK AND ROLL